Trapped in the dark

15th Jul 2020, 7:05 AM in Chapter 44. Descending to hell
Average Rating: 5 (1 votes)
Trapped in the dark
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Author Notes:

Valares 15th Jul 2020, 7:05 AM edit delete
Valares
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Comments:

Valares 27th Jun 2020, 8:57 AM edit delete reply
Valares
The deeper they go down, the worse it will be!
ShoShone 15th Jul 2020, 1:07 PM edit delete reply
ShoShone
Frame five.

"In" is the wrong word. Because her breasts are being gripped on the surface or from the outside. Her breasts have not yet been pierced or penetrated. Nothing has yet gone into her breasts.

There are number of options here. But rather than replace the word it's best to omit it altogether to go with simplicity.

"Something's got my breasts! ~~OR~~ "Something's grabbed my breasts!"


Another consideration is to replace the word "breasts" with "boobs." But not necessarily so. It depends on the individual character and the moment.
Valares 15th Jul 2020, 3:21 PM edit delete reply
Valares
Thanks for the considerations. I think that in the case of Niko, it is more appropriate to use the word Breasts instead of Boobs, which is more colloquial.
ShoShone 15th Jul 2020, 8:24 PM edit delete reply
ShoShone
Like I said, it depends on the individual character and the moment.

But I gave that more as an aside. And for completeness. Not to be the focus.


I thought to do something different this time. Being to give some bit of explanation.

I had presumed you'd prefer the first option I gave you. In both cases I used the contraction meaning "something has." But you did something else. You chose a variation of my second option which was simpler. But without the contraction.

Which is just fine. It works. But I had thought my usage was just a touch smoother. But another way to see this is how your way fits the tone of immediacy brought on by the mood of dire peril.


English is a very difficult language to learn. In addition to grammar and technical aspects a student needs to make choices. Towards the development of a style.

So, how has your progress been? I can't be your tutor. And I can't always give explanations. But on occasion I hope I might be of some help?
Valares 16th Jul 2020, 8:35 AM edit delete reply
Valares
If possible, whenever you can help, I will be very grateful! :)

As I mentioned before, my English is not good, but I try to learn from your explanations. After all, it is important that there is understanding in the text, if not, it really hinders the immersion and understanding of the story I try to tell.